Pater familias
by Clumsy Psychopath
Summary: In which Harry is in love with money and Voldemort is confused. ONESHOT. Humor/Parody.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me.

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**Chapter 01 : ****Pater familias**

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"Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."

He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway. Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.

"First of all we ought to visit Gringotts." said Hagrid.

They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold, was -

"Yeah, that's a goblin." said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him.

The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry and considering the malnourished body that Harry had, that was saying something. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet.

_'His wife must be one happy __goblette.' _mused Harry.

The goblin bowed as they walked inside.

Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:

Enter, stranger, but take heed,

Of what awaits the sin of greed,

For those who take, but do not earn,

Must pay most dearly in their turn.

So if you seek beneath our floors,

A treasure that was never yours,

Thief, you have been warned, beware,

Of finding more than treasure there.

"Is that some sort of challenge, Hagrid?" Harry asked.

"Yeh brain workin' alright lad?" Hagrid looked at Harry with some concern in his eyes.

"Hah! Got you Hagrid. I was joking." Harry wasn't.

Inside was a vast marble hall where about a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses.

Hagrid and Harry made for the counter.

"Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."

"You have his key, sir?"

"Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering weird knick knacks on the table.

Harry shuddered when he saw a transparent, cylindrical, slimy latex... bag which Hagrid immediately slipped inside one of his other pockets.

"Got it," said Hagrid at last, holding up a tiny golden key.

The goblin looked at it closely.

"That seems to be in order."

"An' I've also got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly, throwing out his chest. "It's about the You-Know-What in vault You-Know-Which."

The goblin read the letter carefully."Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you to your vault while Master Potter concludes his business.

Hagrid looked at Harry.

"It's OK Hagrid. I can handle myself." Harry wasn't letting anyone close to his money.

"Griphook!"

Griphook was yet another goblin. Harry followed Griphook toward one of the doors leading off the hall. Griphook held the door open for him. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised.

They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor. Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them.

What followed was perhaps the most awesome ride in young Harry's life.

Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed past them, but he kept them wide open. When the cart finally stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, he was a bit disappointed.

Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.

"All mine." Harry mumbled.

"All mine.. All mine.. All mine.." Harry narrowed his eyes at Griphook "And not yours..."

All this time there had been a small fortune belonging to him, buried deep under London. Harry wondered jumping into a heap of gold making gold angel.

Finally, he piled some of it into a bag. "The gold ones are Galleons," Griphook explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, it's easy enough." Harry turned to Griphook. "Is that all I have?" He questioned.

Harry wasn't sure about life insurance policy in wizarding world but if there was a way to claim any more money he sure as hell wasn't gonna leave it.

"This is only the first vault." said Griphook.

"For more information you must meet your manager." He intoned in the same monotonous voice.

"Lead me to him." Harry had fire in his eyes.

They went to an official looking meeting room. The air was colder and the ceiling was lit.

"Good morning, Master Potter, I've been waiting for a long time to meet you." said the goblin sitting behind the desk greeting Harry with a small nod.

"How much more money do I have." Harry tried to subtly steer the conversation in a more fruitful direction.

For a moment the goblin stared at Harry then he took out a wooden box gently from one of the drawers and slid it toward the young boy.

"The ledger contains a list of all your holdings and fortune." said the goblin sitting in front of Harry.

"All this is mine?" Harry confirmed.

"Every last knut." said the goblin with a rather nasty grin.

"And you are sure I legally hold all of these positions." Harry confirmed once again.

Looking down he started reading the titles written in the ledger.

"Earl of House Gryffindor,

Earl of House Slytherin,

Earl of House Ravenclaw,

Earl of House Hufflepuff,

Lord of House Avery,

Lord of House Bryce,

Lord of House Black,

Lord of House Crabbe,

Lord of House Carrow,

Lord of House Edgecombe,

Lord of House Flint,

Lord of House Gaunt,

Lord of House Goyle,

Lord of House Greengrass,

Lord of House Grindelwald,

Lord of House Karkaroff,

Lord of House Malfoy,

Lord of House McLaggen,

Lord of House Mcnair,

Lord of House Nott,

Lord of House Lestrange,

Lord of House Peverell,

Lord of House Parkinson,

Lord of House Rowle,

Lord of House Yaxley"

"Why am I the heir of Gellert Grindelwald?" Harry looked up.

"Before being sentenced Grindelwald's exact words were, 'He who wields the elder wand, is my rightful heir.'" The goblin continued "As it so happens, the wand is the property of House Peverell."

"...Of which I'm the Lord."

"Indeed, Master Potter."

"And my betrothal to Delacour's? What about that?" Harry tried to understand why his now dead parents were taking so much interest in his love life.

"Well you see, Master Potter it is a delicate matter. While in France, during his fourth year your father challenged Lord Delacour that he could… Ah! Copulate longer than him." The goblin cleared his throat "Clearly until that point your father had never encountered a Veela. Since he had spent all his money on broom polish, he agreed to the betrothal of his firstborn should he lose the challenge."

"No, I'm not doing it. I don't want to marry some random girl I've never met in my life." Harry stated solemnly "Marriage is bond of life, a promise of love and fulfillment."

"The Delacours have two daughters, should you marry the elder you'll be the next Lord of Delacours and hundreds of Veelas."

"A word once given cannot be broken." Harry nodded, his eyes shining with understanding.

"What about this second betrothal to... Daphne Greengrass?" Harry looked up.

"She's blonde."

"..." Harry tried to gauge if the manager was joking. He wasn't.

"Fair enough."

"What I have trouble understanding is how I came to inherit the lordship of so many houses?" Harry read the list once again.

"It's quite simple. You see, for a thousand years the House of Black held the most power in wizarding Britain, using the blackmails they collected over centuries they were enacting a plan to rule over everyone though legal means. Slowly but surely they bought every one." The goblin shuddered "The plan was almost finished when the Dark Lord rose, and with his rise the House of Black fell. Every single member died or was imprisoned. The last head..."

He checked the file "Lord Sirius Black the III left everything to his heir and godson, that is you before he was carted off to Azkaban for a crime so vile, people shudder to speak it out aloud."

The old goblin took of his spectacles "It was a horrible time Master Potter, horrible indeed." he wiped his eyes "Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"That money can buy anything?" Harry guessed.

The old goblin sighed.

"Anyways I gotta go, Hagrid must be waiting for me."

"Of course, Master Potter."

"I never asked your name." Harry paused at the door.

"It's Goldfinger. Ask for senior manager Goldfinger if you ever want to meet me."

"Thank you Goldfinger, you have given me much to think about."

One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the vast halls of Gringotts. Hagrid was standing in a corner waiting for him. Harry didn't know where to run first, now that he had a bag full of money.

* * *

Harry sat in his room waiting for any news from professor Dumbledore.

He was struggling to keep the image of Cedric Diggory out of his mind. He remembered how helpless he felt when Voldemort toyed with him.

Harry shivered.

"Boy come down to eat." He heard Aunt Petunia holler.

Climbing down the stairs he saw Uncle Vernon reading newspaper.

"The value of pound is going to crash, I tell you." He shouted over the kitchen counter.

"If you say so, Darling." Aunt Petunia said distractedly.

"Speaking of money, I don't think we can afford the car we bought. It's monthly installment is too high. We won't get to eat if I gave all the money I earned every month to the bank." He continued "We gotta return it."

"Of course, Darling." Aunt Petunia repeated once again.

Suddenly Harry felt as if the answer to all his questions have been answered.

"You are brilliant, Uncle Vernon." Harry said running up the stairs.

"Of course, Darl… Wait what?" Aunt petunia looked up for the first time.

"Boy, get down and eat your food and don't run in the house." Uncle Vernon shouted from his place browsing the headlines of newspaper.

"I tell you, our economy is going to collapse soon." He said in a lower voice.

Aunt Petunia sighed "If you say so, Darling."

Up in the room Harry ran towards his desk and wrote a quick letter before handing it to Hedwig.

"Go girl, The future of magical world in your ha… errr... talons." Harry said releasing Hedwig through the window.

"Hoot." She looked at Harry funny and flew towards her destination.

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"Master Potter sends us a letter." Griphook said handing the letter to his senior.

"This is a weird request." Goldfinger, the senior manager said after a few moments of contemplative silence.

Griphook shrugged "Weirder things have happened."

"True that." Goldfinger sighed, his plan for early dinner was looking more and more like a dream.

"Do what he says." He said returning the letter to Griphook.

* * *

"We need to expand our connections." Voldemort said to no one in particular.

His minions were on their knees bowing before his recently purchased throne. It was eerily similar to how things used to be before his impromptu demise. It was a typical day in the lair of Lord Voldemort.

"Malfoy, Send your agents to Germany. We need to reestablish our alliances." He said.

"I'm sorry my lord. I don't think I can." Malfoy malfoyed.

Lord Voldemort's head jerked up suddenly. The typical routine was broken. His minions were growing bold. "And why not?"

"I don't have the funds my Lord." Lucius looked up with some expectation "Could you, perhaps, lend me some help my Lord?"

Voldemort stared at him for ten seconds and then his smile grew "Of course, I would help you."

"Thank you my Lord. 100 galleons should be enough for tod..."

"Avada kedavara" Voldemort whispered, his face red with fury.

How dare that worm, ask him for money. What was he suppose to do? Conjure some galleons? For Salazar's sake, he just came back two weeks ago.

At least they didn't see him exiting the cauldron. He came back without a shred of clothing, much less a sack of galleons.

Thank Salazar for small mercies.

Voldemort looked at his other minions. Giving them similar masks was a terrible idea. Malfoy stood out because of his blonde hair but who were these again?

All he had told Bella was to buy them uniform.

She bought them masks. Well, they came in handy at the annual Death eater's masquerade party, so that was a point in her favor.

Voldemort looked at one of them. "Your master needs you… my faithful servant."

"Tell me. Why was Malfoy begging?" His memory wasn't what it used to be after all those faulty rituals but as far as Voldemort remembered, Malfoy had been one of his major financial backers.

"I..It's the fault of that filthy half-blood, my lord." His nameless servant managed to squeak out.

Voldemort had a pretty accurate idea of who he was talking about, Draco being the goody two shoes that he was, sent him dossiers containing personal information of most of Hogwart's students.

"Tracey Davis really turned out to be a snake, didn't she?" Voldemort hissed, planning on how to remove her, her family, her friends and her neighbor's pet griffin all in one move.

"A..Actually it..it's Harry Potter, m..master" the man whimpered.

"Of course I knew it. I was testing whether you would be willing to speak his name in my presence or not." Voldemort thundered.

"Of course, master." The man managed to squeak out while looking pointedly at the ground.

"For the sake of all your comrades, remind them once again what the brat did this time." Voldemort ordered.

He didn't even know why the potter boy was so hell-bent on opposing him. He had always tried to be a good archenemy and waited for the end of year to kill him.

Education was important and an illiterate rival was a useless rival.

"Harry potter using his right as the legal paterfamilias, liquidated every single asset we held and transferred all of it into his account." The masked man said dejectedly.

Had Voldemort not shaved eyebrows using the darkest of magic, the vilest of ritual, the foulest of sorcery, they surely would have gone up… and stayed there for a while

"All the assets?"

"All the assets."

"Sooo, nothing is left?"

"No, my lord."

"...Where are you all living right now?"

"Leaky cauldron, my Lord."

"Huh"

* * *

"And thus, the second uprising of Lord Voldemort was stopped by the prince of my drea… I mean our lord and savior, Harry Potter." The professor narrated, holding the book close to her chest with a dreamy expression on her face.

The bell rang.

"Alright everyone, three foot parchment on why Harry Potter should be elected as our next Minister of Magic."

"Our history teacher is barmy, I'm telling you." A random guy was heard moaning to his friend as he exited the class of one Ginny Weasley.

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Cheers,

Clumsy Psychopath


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